To my core, I am confident and friendly, welcoming all who walk through my door and thanking all who open their doors to me. I hardly ever used to get insecure and doubt myself.
But lately, it’s been the story of my life. It really hit me when – just a few weeks ago – I was awakened to a loud interrogation from my own mind:
“What is wrong with you???”
I was honestly shocked. I’ve never startled myself with a thought so harsh. Was it a nightmare? What made me think this way? Why was that my very first thought of the day?
Before I could listen to the birds chirping or my sister knocking on my door or the sound of my brother blending a smoothie in the kitchen, I wondered what was wrong with me… Wow. I felt so defeated, and it was only 7:00 am.
So, I asked God. Maybe there were things I really needed to change, and He was just… possibly… reminding me? But it wasn’t God who was criticizing me… It was me. I listened some more for His answer, and it came so sweetly as I remembered an old friend’s counsel:
Whatever negative words you speak over yourself, imagine you are actually saying them to a much younger, more innocent you. You’ll realize how seldom you give yourself grace.
You wouldn’t tell your six year old self, “Why wear that? You don’t look good at all” or “I can’t believe you messed up again! No one’s gonna love you anymore.”
Instead… When children make mistakes, there’s a certain grace you show them, because they are still learning.
I am absolutely a work-in-progress. I have so many things to work toward and improve on. But little by little, moment by moment, I realize that I won’t become a better person by yelling at myself.
The truth is, I find the most joy when I am the healthiest, happiest, friendliest, most productive, most fearless, and most loving Christina.
We have to remember that we are no less loved and valued as we move forward. I am on a journey. You are on a journey. We find out who we are with every step we take.
I think younger me would agree 🙂